If you come here for the first time, you can start from post 1 of this series: Darling, can we talk about our past stupid financial mistakes? then post 2: Money issues underneath a seemingly peaceful marriage

As I said in my previous post, I didn’t think the current state of my marriage with money issues will stay unchanged forever, it just changed for the better recently after a heart-to-heart talk. As humans, we tend to think the current state-good, bad or stagnant- will stay as-is forever, the happily-ever-after ending of story books may be a reflection of such tendency in thinking; as someone who has practiced mindfulness for years, I have known that to be an illusion.

I was not really ready to initiate another talk with my husband about our financial disharmony yet, but I somehow did, and this time it was not a short-lived, ended-prematurely conversation that we tend to have. It went deeper and deeper, through a lot of anger and tears, at one point it seemed that it would not end well, that we would go on different paths.

The Turning Point

Yi Hui said:

“I have been trying to tell you why I was not nice to you. I have been trying to tell you that I do not want a stressful financial life. To that, you simply said that of course you want to give me a life I want. I talked about that you spent 8 thousand dollars on appliances despite my objections 3 years ago as a classic example that my voice was not heard, valued and respected. To that, you simply said that I did not remember it right, and that I only expressed my disagreement after we left the store. You do not want to talk about ‘why‘, you want to talk about that ‘I was not nice to you’.”

In that moment he saw my points and burst into a laugh, and replied in a joking way, “Yes, let’s talk about that you were not nice to me.”

About Real Estate Investment

Yi Hui said:

“You said that if we have sold our third house right away after it was renovated we could have made money. Even if we did do that then, we would have bought other houses, and we could have been stuck just the same as we are now.”

He replied:

“Yes, you are right. We could be stuck anywhere down the road.”

It is not wrong to invest in real estate. If we buy a house at a great price, at a price we can easily afford, and fix it up beautifully and cheaply with his artistic talents and handy man’s skills, and we can sell it easily in any market, or rent it out for positive cash flow, under these conditions, it’s great to invest in real estate. If we do not learn our lessons, and keep buying more houses at higher and higher prices, we can loose all we have anywhere down the road, let it be 1 house or 10 houses. I do not want to live a life full of financial stress anymore.

The ripples of my thoughts after the talk

It had been a puzzle to myself why I married him until the moment I saw his longing for my love underneath his anger exploded in the first half of the conversation. I met him at the time when I no longer desired passionate love in which my mood swung constantly from one extreme to another, part of me disappointed from my failed relationships accepted his proposal after being hesitated for some time, and yet another part of me, being a spiritual seeker who did not want love with strong attachment any more, being touched by his deep longing for my love, decided to progress to anther level of love, decided to be a lover. And yet the two parts of me did not meet each other for years.

An insight of how my play is written

I didn’t marry a man I could fall in love and stay in love with easily without much efforts. If nothing else, just how hard for me to communicate with him, you could understand why. Using ‘the appliances store‘ example, he did not listen to me three years ago, and now time passed by, instead of acknowledging that he did not respect my opinion at that time, he insisted that I did not express my objection in the store, he insisted that my memory was wrong. Could there be some truth to his point of view? Was it the way how I said it not clearly? Not yelling enough? Not fighting enough? But he can not take yelling or fighting very well, the reason our marriage has lasted 8 years, because we do not fight, fighting is not in my essence, nor is it to his liking.

He commented in the conversation that I got better at communicating with him. I have to. I had a glimpse of my play how I was meant to learn to excel on my communication skills, to marry a man with whom together we become greater lovers. We are meant to learn from our play, to become a better person, to develop a higher capacity to love.

Sour lemons and sweet lemonade

There has been some talking about lemons and lemonade in the blog sphere, lovely and touching stories have been shared:

•When life hands you lemons at Remodeling This Life

•When life gives you lemons, make lemonade at Beingfrugal.net

•Lemonade meme at Skimbaco

I had been feeling my marriage like a sour lemon, but now I would say it’s like sweet lemonade. The unbearable lightness of life!

Related reading

•Be open about your financial mistakes at Money and Investing